First of all, a huge thank you to all who responded to my blog yesterday, “My Watch is Ended.” Thank you for understanding that my words are always more dire than my reality. Yeah….things are hard right now. Yes, I’m tired. I might even be a little depressed. (ok, maybe a lot!) Dark Night of the Soul…..for sure!!!!! Things are falling away and attachments are being released; and nothing new has yet to show up in their place. It’s scary over here.
This too shall pass. (GOD I HOPE SO! A little space to breathe would be nice!).
The good news is two amazing children. (the most amazing and truly my greatest gift and dare I say greatest accomplishment in this life!!!!!) Beautiful friends. Unexpected and overwhelming outpourings of support. A thriving Priestess Training program and developing community. Loving family. A roof over our head. Food on the table. Cars to get us places. At the end of the day, I’m a survivor (as if there has ever been a choice) and the Universe will find us the way through this.
In the meantime…….the lessons in the letting go have been profound. It is because of these lessons in letting go that I chose the above title for today’s blog based on the similar lessons Arya Stark (Game of Thrones) had to learn in her time with the Faceless Men. In order to survive her time in service to the Many-Faced God (the god of death) and then in training as an assassin in the House of Black and White, Arya had to give up her identity as a Stark along with any attachment to who she was or what she thought her mission might be. She could fulfill none of her own desires but was forced to relinquish them all in service to the Many-Faced God. If and when Arya strayed from being “no one” and took up any of her own desires, attachments or agendas, she was punished. She was beaten, starved, blinded, cast into the street, and then beaten some more. Every time she was beaten down, she came back for more, again taking up her own name and cause, and was then beaten down again. This cycle went round and round and round until Arya finally got it – becoming No One, the Girl who has no name. Only then were her faculties restored and Arya put back on her path. Only the irony in this was that the path Arya was put back upon was the path that brought her to the House of Black and White in the first place.
It seems I serve a similar “Many-Faced God.” As I’ve mentioned before. 2015 was the year of letting go. 2016, the year of emptying…..and 2017? Well….let’s just say WTF!? The letting go has gone beyond letting go, the emptying beyond emptying. Persons, places, things. But most excruciating has been the letting go of ideas about mission, purpose, ideas about the universe and how it does or does not work, and my faith in a certain kind of God, every name, title, designation, label I had given myself – recovering Catholic, priest, priestess, witch, shaman, prophet, healer, teacher, wayshower, etc.. Everything I thought I knew and what I thought I knew about myself might be showing itself to be false….or at the very least, is coming forth to be redefined. Like Arya, I feel like I have had to arrive at a place where titles no longer serve, names are no longer relevant, and that I had to become blind to ideas of mission, purpose, and what I thought gave my life meaning so that one day I might see. Also like Arya, I find I can no longer cling to a plan or a timeline. I can only be present to what shows up in the moment. If I think I’m headed south for King’s Landing, someone might show up with news that causes me to turn north instead where a different purpose awaits. Apparently part of being no one, a girl with no name, also means I am not in charge. There is an energy and a power much greater than myself that is guiding me home…..wherever and whenever that home might be.