Last night I had an excruciatingly painful dream filled with anxiety and longing. Speaking in metaphor as they do, the specifics of the dream are not important. What is, is the energy of the dream and the message it was trying to impart. I know all too well the deep, excruciatingly painful longing and anxiety (terror actually) of the dream as it is a dream I’ve been having for as long as I can remember. The dream is all about the fear of not getting to where I am supposed to be (called to be) in my life, and part of that “where” intimately involves a Who.
The “where” and the “Who” of the dream are part and parcel of the call of the Magdalene/Christ. This is a call carried by many (probably hundreds, if not thousands) men and women on this planet at this critical time in our human evolution and it is a call that I must humbly admit to carrying myself.
The “where” part of this dream is the very mission and purpose of Authentic Freedom Academy – to help bring forth a new world – one made out of love and not of fear. Peruse this site if you want a glimpse into how I am trying to accomplish the “where.”
Writing about the “Who” is a little (maybe a lot) more difficult as it involves revealing deeply personal hidden parts of my Soul, much of which I am actually (strangely) ashamed to admit. Maybe it will be easier if I speak of it as it pertains to the call of the Magdalene/Christ.
The call of the Magdalene/Christ is about many things – rebuilding our world, replacing the unholy aspects of the masculine and feminine within us with their Divine counterparts, transforming fear into love. In order to do all this, we also need to reclaim the original Jesus and the original Mary Magdalene. We need to restore both of them to their rightful place as human beings who became Christed through an inner process of self-actualization and who sought only to teach others to do the same. We also need to reclaim one of the most important things they came to teach us – how to love. Broadly, Mary Magdalene and Jesus came to teach us how to love ourselves and how to love one another so that we can live in peace. Specific to the “Who” and to last night’s dream, Mary Magdalene and Jesus taught us the ideal of human partnership (sadly, this has been completely edited out of canonical scripture), the kind of love God ordained and a love that “man cannot put asunder.”
I call the love that Jesus and Mary had for each other and that they modeled for humankind, “Beloved Partnership.” For those who carry the call of the Magdalene/Christ, this is part of that call. While discovering and living out the unique way in which we are all gifted to live out the call of the Magdalene/Christ, it is the Beloved Partnership aspect of that call that I have found to be the most difficult and painful, as evidenced by last night’s dream. And here is why:
For those called to Beloved Partnership –
there is only one way to satisfy that call.
For any other kind of relational call, one can find satisfaction with any number of partners. With any other kind of call, the opportunities are abundant and one can make just about any kind of relationship work. While no partner is “perfect” one is able to find satisfaction with what is there. One can “date around,” and find enjoyment in the process. One can even “sleep around” and find this fulfilling.
Not so with those called to Beloved Partnership. The gift and the curse of being called to Beloved Partnership is that you KNOW. You know you carry the call (though you might not have the words for it) and more importantly, you KNOW the person with whom you are called to live out Beloved Partnership. While you might not have met them (herein lies the pain), you KNOW them. And they KNOW you. We know them in the same way we know our very breath. We know what they feel like. We know their smell, the touch of their fingers on our skin, the weight of their hand as it rests on the small of our back. We know their embrace. We may have gotten glimpses into what they look like through dreams and through those with whom we feel familiar. We know what it feels like to be in their presence and we know what our life will look and feel like when we come together. We know how we will interact as a couple and the work we came to accomplish together in this life. We also know where our differences might create conflict and how we will work through these conflicts. Because we are KNOWN, we are able to be naked and vulnerable before each other and herein lies the greatest gift of the Beloved Partnership – for with our Beloved, we always feel safe.
But here is the rub, because the heart will never be satisfied until it is united with its Beloved Partner, it compels us through restlessness, (excruciating) longing, yearning and frustration to seek for the Beloved. Along the line, we mistake others for the “Beloved,” deciding in our minds that this is the “one” while our heart tells us otherwise. We might fake it for awhile but eventually the heart wins out (or we become sick for ignoring our Soul), and we are forced to seek elsewhere. The problem is that no matter the effort, we cannot “make” the Beloved show up in our lives because the “when” of Beloved Partnership is not ours to determine, but is written somewhere in the stars or in the palm of God’s hand who ordained this love in the first place. The other problem (and the ultimate source of our pain) is that without the “Who,” the “where” of our Soul’s purpose in this life will never meet its fulfillment, for the Beloved is intimately connected with our Soul’s purpose and actually assists us (as we assist them) in fulfilling that call.
What to do in the meantime? Indeed. What does one do who knows they are called to Beloved Partnership and who knows the Beloved who beckons to them? This is the quandary that I am faced with this morning. Since I have many times over learned the truth of the Buddhist adage, “What you resist will persist,” I no longer ignore the call of the Beloved and the excruciating pain and longing that accompanies this call. Instead, I allow myself to be with it. I sit in meditation with the longing. I connect with my Beloved in meditation. I give voice to the longing and to its call by writing about it (thanks for being my witness!). I write crappy poetry about longing and unrequited love. I watch movies and TV shows where I have caught a glimpse of my Beloved. I meditate on scripture, specifically on those passages that speak of our longing for God and God’s longing for us. And then I wait, holding on to the faith that emanates from my very being telling me the truth of this call and of the promise that one day it will be fulfilled.