Author Tour: Dr. Ali Binazir

Dr Ali Binazir is the author of the ‘The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible’, the highest-rated dating book on Amazon.com as of Feb 2012, ‘Best Dating Advice I Ever Got’, and ‘The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man’s Enlightened Guide to Success with Women.’ He holds an A.B. from Harvard College, an M.D. from UC San Diego School of Medicine, and an M.Phil. from Cambridge University. Formerly a consultant at McKinsey & Co. to the Fortune 500, he writes a popular column for Huffington Post and practices hypnotherapy in Los Angeles. He is committed to helping you become the happiest, most fulfilled version of you. His books are available through his website at http://www/TaoOfDating.com/women and http://www.TaoOfDating.com/men. Read his blog (TaoOfDating.com), follow him on Twitter (@dralibinazir) or write to him directly at drali(at)taoofdating.com.

I discovered Dr. Ali through his enews letter and I always find his articles and excerpts to be at one enlightening and helpful.  Below is an excerpt from his Tao of Dating book for women:  I LOVED this article!  Thank you Dr. Ali for being a part of our author tour!

HOW TO SPOT BAD BOYS

There’s something undeniably attractive about bad boys, which is why smart women need to be able to spot them before getting involved with one. In a way, getting involved with a bad boy is a bit like obesity: prevention is the best solution. If it’s already happened, it’s often too late, and the solutions are more laborious and less effective. So unless you’re signing up for a fling with a definite expiration date, you’re better off avoiding the bad boy.

My definition of a bad boy is simple: he is a boy (as opposed to a man) who is bad for you in the long term. By you I mean the whole of your life:

your mental, spiritual, physical and financial well-being. No one item here absolutely certifies a person as a bad boy; however, the occurrence of several of these characteristics in one individual should be a warning sign.

Incidentally, a man’s number of sexual partners is not necessarily an indicator of whether he’s a bad boy or not. This is all about how he treats you in the long term. It would be just as foolish to let go of a sexually experienced man who loves you and treats you like the queen of the universe as it would be to attach yourself to a virgin who disrespects you. In any case, it’s reasonable to expect a genuinely desirable man to have been noticed by women before you.

If I were to pick one quality that would be the most accurate indicator of whether someone’s a bad boy, it’s a presence of extremes. Whether of beauty, wealth, intelligence, tidiness, messiness, neglect or solicitude, extremes are tipoffs that this guy might be a handful who’ll bring you more pain than joy. The Tao is about taking the middle path; those who court extremes tend not be with the Tao. If you bring those people into your life, you are potentially inviting instability and trouble. Chapter 13 of the Tao Te Ching says:

What does it mean that success is a dangerous as failure?

Whether you go up the ladder or down it, you position is shaky.

When you stand with your two feet on the ground, you will always keep your balance.

Every characteristic listed here is like a double-edged sword: the very thing that makes it appealing can also render it detrimental. The list is intended to make you aware and wary of whether you’re signing up for the fun or the pain.

Whenever you spot one of these list items, I want you to ask yourself: “What’s the purpose of this behavior? What’s he trying to get out of it?”

Put yourself in his wingtips for a moment, and you’ll gain instant insight into the male mind.

So here are some behaviors that could mean you’re dealing with a bad boy, and how your mind may rationalize it as appealing rather than

menacing:

* Moving things along too quickly. Bad boys tend to make early declarations of affection, genuinely or for effect. They also fall in love easily and have no problem proposing a romantic weekend getaway when they’ve known you for less than a month.

What it looks like: Spontaneity and joie de vivre.

What it could really be: Impulsiveness.

What you’re signing up for if you go out with

him: plans only made at the last minute; plans cancelled at the last minute; general irresponsibility; similarly impulsive overtures to other women.

* Being too smooth. When you first meet him, does he touch you too early and too often? Is he whispering in your ear? Is he overly generous with his compliments? Does he attempt to take you away from your friends and get you alone? Is he always subtly (or blatantly) pushing the boundary of what’s appropriate and comfortable? Is he telling stories that seem too well-rehearsed and designed to aggrandize him, impress you, and get you worked up? Is there a lot of showmanship going on? Once you’ve started dating, are his excuses for marginal behavior all too plausible? If so, you are almost certainly dealing with a bad boy.

What it looks like: Romance. These men know that this is the ultimate bait for getting a woman, and therefore use it skillfully and without apology.

What it could really be: Too good to be true is almost always exactly that. This deliberately seductive behavior usually means you’re dealing with an experienced player.

What you’re signing up for if you go out with

him: sexual infidelity (and diseases);

unreliability; rapid emotional detachment once he’s gotten what he wants from you.

* Thrillseeking behavior. He rides a motorcycle — a big Harley, actually. He skydives, takes all kinds of drugs, drinks a lot, goes out five times a week or more, and generally looks for the adrenaline rush.

What it looks like: A life of excitement that you want to be a part of.

What it could really be: Although many grown, responsible men take calculated risks, chronic thrillseeking is often a sign of immaturity and recklessness.

What you’re signing up for if you date him:

worry; genuine fear; loneliness as he goes off on his jaunts; infidelity; irresponsibility; run-ins with the law.

* Devil-may-care attitude. He lives by his own rules — and only by his own rules. He dresses like he wants, works when he wants, eats what he wants, says what he wants. ‘No one will the boss of me’ is his motto.

What it looks like: Fierce, roguish independence.

What it could really be: Lack of consideration and antisocial behavior, which will inevitably extend to you as well.

What you’re signing up for if you date him:

inability to make plans or broken plans when he does make them; verbal abuse; insensitivity to your feelings and desires; financial distress.

* Studied physical appearance. A stylish man is good to find. However, you can tell if a man has spent more time than normal on his appearance to achieve a particular effect. Too disheveled goes in the same category as too slick: extremes are what you’re watching out for. Heavy cologne is also a tip-off.

What it looks like: Stylishness.

What it could really be: Narcissism and vanity.

What you’re signing up for if you date him:

Player tendencies; mistreatment; self-absorption.

* General evasiveness. When a man is evasive about personal questions — especially about dating, the women in his life, the length of relationships and such — beware. He may be doing it for sport, but chances are he really has something to hide. A good relationship is based on honesty, trust and respect. Chronic evasiveness precludes all three, so this is an inauspicious start to things.

Incidentally, if a man lies to you even once for non-humanitarian reasons (e.g., only something like “There are no refugees in the attic hiding from the secret police” is acceptable), that’s grounds for leaving him.

What it looks like: Mystery and intrigue.

What it could really be: Skeletons in the closet.

What you’re signing up for if you date him:

Unreliability; mistrust; lies.

* Living space that’s too well thought-out or too messy. Psychologists talk about the concept of

thin-slicing: how from one snapshot of a person’s life you can intuit fairly accurate information about his character. In fact, psychologists showed in an experiment that walking through a person’s uninhabited apartment yielded a more accurate character assessment than an interview with that person (CITATION).

As such, the well-appointed love nest and the messy bachelor pad are both potential signs of trouble ahead. A man’s chic apartment with the bearskin rug in front of the fireplace, four-poster canopied bed, strategically positioned Art of Sensual Massage on the coffee table and scented candles everywhere should make you wonder what motivated him to create this ambience from which a woman would supposedly find it difficult to escape — and how many women preceded you and will proceed you. On the other end of the spectrum, the dishevelment of the messy apartment should make you wonder whether that’s the level of consideration with which he’ll be treating you.

What it looks like: Good taste (love nest), endearingly boyish disorder (messy bachelor pad).

What it could really be: A player.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: See ‘Being too smooth’ entry above.

* Lack of consideration. Did he ask you out far enough in advance so you’d be able to make plans?

Did he call ahead of time to say he was going to be late? Did he open your car door for you? Did he offer to pay when he invited you out? Did he asked about your sick cat when you said she was sick?

How about your sick grandmother? How about when

*you* were sick? Does he offer you his coat when you look cold? I’m belaboring the point here, and what I’m saying is this: you know what consideration looks like, and it’s different from when a guy’s being a jerk to you. Any one of these things is not a big deal, but a bunch of them happening in close succession is a sign of trouble.

What it looks like: Non-conformity to societal norms, roguish independence.

What it could really be: A jerk.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: see Devil-may-care attitude above.

* Indecision. This is one of the characteristics that truly separates the men from the boys: can he decide? Decision means leadership, leadership means responsibility, and resposibility means power. An indecisive man is a powerless man. If he waffles and weaves with every decision he makes, or even worse, consults you for all his decisions, run. Better a man who decides and is wrong on occasion than one who refuses to decide at all. Of all the characteristics mentioned here, this may very well be the worst. Just stay away.

What it looks like: Sensitivity and

consideration.

What it could really be: Spinelessness, weakness.

What you’re signing up if you date him:

Exasperation, ruined plans, total disaster.

* Highly selective availability or too much availability. Again, you have to ask yourself why this is the case, because there are usually good reasons for extreme unavailability or availability. A man with highly selective availability is often seeing other women or married to one. A man who’s always available may be unemployed or desperate. Either way, keep your eyes open.

What it looks like: Busy, important man-about-town (unavailable one) or a guy who’s really, really into you (highly available one).

What it could really be: A man with too many options or too few.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: A man who will either keep you hanging on or will be always hanging on you.

About Your Spiritual Truth

I am a trained, professional Spiritual Director, Author and Hands-on Healer. I offer services, programs and classes that empower you to hear the voice of the Divine that speaks from within you. It is the voice of the Divine that leads us to our highest truth, to the discovery and cultivation of our gifts and to a life of Authentic Freedom where we know contentment, compassion and joy. Your truth will set you free!
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One Response to Author Tour: Dr. Ali Binazir

  1. Joyce Bugg says:

    Thank you for this article, a must read. I found it painful to read, but a must. I will need to explore this further & his book & all else. Again thank you

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