As I continue my journey through The Wheel of Initiation by Julie Tallard Johnson, I am more and more in awe over what a powerful tool this is for spiritual growth, healing and transformation. Today I am humbled to share with you the most recent revelations on the wheel.
The Pain Story and Related Agreements
As I have previously shared, the pain story that I am currently working through with the Wheel is I feel rejected. Along with this pain story are a wide assortment of agreements that I have embraced to support this perceived rejection that are calling for healing and release. Just to name a few:
- I have to be right and therefore others have to be wrong
- If I am perfect, I will be loved
- Everyone has to love me, if they don’t then I have to hate them
I know, messed up, right?
In My Face!
Recently, my pain story was served up to me in the form of an atomic explosion. I won’t bore you with the details, but after the dust settled, the universe showed me my part of the explosion and has invited me to face my own inner demons and take responsibility for them. UGH! Here is what I had to own:
- When I feel as if my needs are not being met, and someone else is the perceived obstacle to me getting my needs met, I cultivate and harbor resentment toward that person.
- When I feel as if another has rejected me, I cultivate and harbor hatred toward that person.
- Because I don’t want to be alone in my pain and because I have agreed that I have to be right….I often find my inner victim sharing with others “how I’ve been wronged, slighted, insulted, rejected, etc.” That way, I get to be right and the person who I perceive to have hurt me gets to be wrong.
Dang. I hate it when I’m standing there in righteous indignation, valiantly waving my flag of victory (more like victimhood!) and the universe taps me on the shoulder and then holds up the mirror. So after the fallout of the nuclear explosion, I find myself humbled and admittedly, a little shamed. I could probably handle it if the only person I hurt were myself when I go to these defense mechanisms and agreements, but in truth, it is through these actions that many other people have been hurt. In fact, there might be a trail of carnage behind me if I am totally honest with the role resentment, hatred and maligning has played in my 46 years on this big ball of mud. That sucks!
What to Do?
So, now that the universe has made me look into the mirror of truth, what do I do about it?
- I own the truth of what the mirror has shown me – the way in which I have used resentment, hatred and slander to protect myself from perceived rejection.
- Acknowledge the agreements I have made around this pain story.
- Make amends with the people I have hurt through these defense mechanisms.
- Return to my intention: I receive everything as love and explore how I can apply this intention to the most recent conflict.
- I sense there might be a place for some recapitulation in this experience as well. (See Julie’s book for a detailed discussion of this spiritual practice.)
- Work on forgiving myself, lest I fall again into my pain story! (Cultivating shame is simply another way I get to stay in my pain story).
So, I stand here humbled by these recent happenings, AND, I am grateful for the benevolent universe that DOES NOT let me rest for long in self-righteousness. I am also grateful, again, for the process outlined in the Wheel of Initiation for helping me to name, claim and be open to healing my pain story and any other unhealed wounds around it.
What is your pain story?
Where have you recently come face to face with it?
What are the tools you have used to heal and give release to your pain story and its resulting agreements?
Authentic Freedom Ministries